


Sorry Means Nothing

by nanjcsy



Series: Candles Burn, Candles Go Out. [2]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fear, Forced Eye Contact, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Ramsay is his own warning, Regrets, Stockholm Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 18:17:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3987988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanjcsy/pseuds/nanjcsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote a story, a one shot that looked at Sansa's POV during that wedding night scene. Now I feel the need to explore how Reek felt, how THEON felt. Except as I wrote this, I find it very hard to FIND Theon...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sorry Means Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I am dealing with watching someone I love die in front of me and I am helpless to stop it. So this poured out of it and even though its just a fan fiction story, even though it doesn't matter and she will never see it...this story is for my mother. i am sorry and it means nothing and i cannot save her.

_I am just Reek. Only what Master wants me to be._

_I have some fingers left. I have some toes left._

_I have two eyes that Lord Ramsay has not removed._

_I have a nose that has been broken but fixed and HE could have taken it off!_

_If **HE** wants to **HE** will. I am just Reek and I serve, please, I just want to serve and not hurt. **I HAVE** to obey, or **BIG TROUBLE.**_

_Everything is **HIM**._

_All there is._

_All a Reek could ever know or should know is how to obey, not make Master angry. Lord Ramsay likes to hunt, he likes to hurt and play games and tricks, oh the tricks!_

_But I learned, I am good, I can behave, be safe and not cause **BIG TROUBLE!**_

_Reek is loyal, Reek is good, Reek obeys. **HE** likes that. And that is **SAFE** , that is **GOOD** and it is not **BIG TROUBLE**! _

_The kennel is better than the dungeons. Master **LIKES** his **REEK** in the cage, **HE** is so **HAPPY** with Reek that it is a unlocked cage..Reek is grateful, he is a good tame hound. He serves and it is **SAFE** in his cage. The rats, hounds and cold no longer matters. It is silence, it is away from disgusted looks and it is away from _ **_HIM!_ **

don't think that don't ever, count your toe and fingers, don't ever think that way.

**I LOVE HIM I EVEN TOLD LORD RAMSAY I DID! PLEASE, ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME WATCH THE HUNTS, BUT HE DOES AND I DO AND I MUST BE GOOD OR BIG TROUBLE. COUNT YOUR FINGERS, COUNT YOUR TOES, BE SO CAREFUL!!!**

**It was easier at Dreadfort, it was horrible, it was agony, it was-IT WAS BIG TROUBLE. Then Reek had learned and it was easier.**

**Then Reek helped his Lord, helped to trick the Ironborn, by using the old name, the BAD NAME. BLOCK IT OUT, DON'T HEAR THE PLEAS AND SCREAMS! THE LOOKS, OH GODS THEY KNEW I BETRAYED THEM, JUST LIKE THEON ALWAYS DOES, THEON IS BAD, RAMSAY KNOWS THIS, RAMSAY KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM, EVERYTHING ABOUT REEK, EVERYTHING IS RAMSAY AND RAMSAY IS EVERYTHING AND REEK IS NOTHING.**

i know my place. i know who i am.

**Master can leave me fingers and toes to count because Reek can be GOOD.**

**Winterfell is haunted, so many ghosts that try and haunt Reek. This used to be Theon's home, that dead man lived here with dead ghosts now. Then a new ghost that is not a real ghost.**

**OH GODS, NO! WHY ARE YOU HERE? YOU CANNOT BE HERE, YOU SHOULD NEVER BE HERE AGAIN! THEON KNEW HER, SHE WAS A GIRL, A LITTLE GIRL AND  SHE IS HERE, SANSA, LADY SANSA**.

careful now. never slip and be disrespectful. Even the hounds are above my place, always use titles.

**RAMSAY COULD HAVE TAKEN MY TONGUE OR EARS!! BUT THIS IS A GIRL WHO CANNOT BE HERE, IT IS NOT SAFE HERE, IT IS BIG TROUBLE!!!**

_I am good, I am loyal and I hide, like a ghost, a haunting, stinking creature._

_**HE** doesn't want Lady Sansa to see his Reek and that is fine. I don't need another ghost, she doesn't need another ghost either. _

_**REEK HEARS** things, Master was so kind to leave his loyal, good Reek ears. Roose.._

#  _**NO NO NO LORD BOLTON, REMEMBER YOUR PLACE, DO YOU WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER PIECE?? LORD BOLTON,** _ yes, I can remember this, yes. I am good, stupid and slow but _**I LEARNED. THIS GIRL HAS BEEN THROUGH BAD THINGS, SHE KNOWS ABOUT HOW THINGS CAN BE SO BAD IF YOU DON'T PLAY IF YOU ARE NOT GOOD**. but **HE** had those **EYES** and **SMILE** and that means **GAMES** it means **BLOOD** it means **SCREAMS** and it means **BIG** **TROUBLE**. Sansa is not made for that, she cannot be here and I will ignore this ghost. She won't see me, won't see Reek and Master will use a game to **HURT US.**_

_**HUSH. HUSH. SOMEONE IS HERE.** _

**She stands there and looks at what I am. I want to tell her I am not Theon, I am just Reek. I want to tell Sansa to go away, to run but DON'T RUN HE WILL HUNT YOU, SANSA YOU CANNOT BE HERE AND YOU CANNOT LEAVE. All that comes out of my mouth is to warn her away. Sansa sees a ghost and then she is ANGRY, BIG TROUBLE, SILVER FLASH IN HER HANDS HER EYES, MOVING CLOSER, OH PLEASE DON'T FLAY ME! I AM SORRY, I WILL TRY HARDER PLEASE! I cannot speak just push in the corner. SEE I AM ON MY BACK, BELLY UP LIKE  GOOD REEK LIKE A GOOD HOUND PLEASE DON'T HURT REEK, OH PLEASE! The ghost, the girl with all the past has left but her word echoes..THE BAD NAME AND IF RAMSAY EVER HEARD THAT, OH BIG TROUBLE!**

**MASTER HAS TO KNOW**

**I AM GOOD, I WILL TELL HIM, I NEVER KEEP SECRETS, NO A FLAYED MAN HAS NO SECRETS, I AM NO MAN AND HAVE NO SECRETS FROM HIM.** _He forgives me, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you. Count those fingers and toes, be good be loyal and remember my name._

_Dinner is almost **BIG TROUBLE**. I say what **HE** tells me. I tell Sansa sorry for what Theon did and didn't do. **IT DOESN'T MATTER, SAY ANYTHING, SAY WHAT MASTER WANTS TO HEAR OR BIG TROUBLE!**_

_Her eyes make my head ache, my eyes hurt, but Master is pleased and that is **GOOD**._

_A bathe is nice, it feels nice to be clean. **I NEED TO BE DIRTY, I NEED MY SMELL, IT MAKES MASTER HAPPY, IT MAKES EVERYONE LEAVE ME ALONE.** Dressed like a Lord and it scares me, please, like Moat Ca- **REEK DOESN'T NEED TO THINK OF THESE THINGS. THINKING IS MASTER'S JOB, THINKING IS FOR BETTERS, NOT FOR A REEK. I JUST OBEY, BE GOOD, BE LOYAL, LOVE MASTER, BE A GOOD REEK AND NO BIG TROUBLE.** _

but there will be.

i know it.

shhh...be calm.

_She won't touch me._

_Sansa looks at me like I am the piece of shit that I am._

_**PLEASE, LADY SANSA, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WE MUST OBEY?  BE GOOD OR BIG TROUBLE.** _

_Sansa walks behind me out to the path of candles. **SO** pretty and I will remember to pretend to be Theon, but Master is right there and those **EYES** , don't stutter, be **GOOD** and look at her. The wolf, the last Stark, a ghost becomes a Bolton._

_Something inside **HURTS OH IT HURTS AND DON'T THINK.**_

_He won't let me leave and here is the game at last. The game Master has had in his eyes since he heard the name Sansa Stark._

**WHY MASTER PLEASE? AT LEAST I CAN GO BACK TO THE KENNEL, GET MY DIRT BACK AND BE ALONE.**

**EYES OPEN, WHY AM I CRYING, HE HAS DONE WORSE, I HAVE SEEN MASTER SKIN GIRLS, HUNT GIRLS, DOGS EATING GIRLS. BUT I KNOW HER, I KNOW THIS GIRL AND SHE IS BEING SO GOOD, MASTER PLEASE, SHE IS GOOD!**

screams like howling like dogs like hounds like wolves like direwolves and **THEON** remembers, but he is **REEK** and hush now, pretend it is Myranda, but that whore **LIKES** games and blood and if it is **REEK** this time, countless times **MASTER** can do anything to Sansa, **LADY** Sansa....

_Now I am sorry, really sorry, sorry, so sorry and I cannot help you. I am Reek not the bad name, not the bad man. Not a man at all._

**PLEASE MASTER LET ME GO LET ME GO BACK TO MY CAGE, MY DIRT, MY PEACE, MY COUNTING, PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP, I AM GOOD I AM LOYAL I AM REEK.**

**I am so sorry and it means nothing because I cannot help you. Reek..Reek...Reek....I want to look away, shut my eyes, block my ears. But Master is kind to leave me my ears my eyes and I am so sorry...**

**i am so sorry. i am so so so so so sorry....**

**because it is not my blood this time, not my screams and i am damned to all the hells because...**

i am relieved it is not me.


End file.
